Christmas Update

I write this post from St Johns Hospital in Livingston. Sadly, Christmas did not go the way I had hoped.

As you will know from my last post, I have been stocking up on boxes of Golden Wonder multipacks to beat the Christmas rush and as a jolly surprise for Caroline. While she was fighting the Christmas Eve crowds at the shops (eight hours she was gone) I decided to bring the Golden Wonder collection in from the shed to the living room. Even I underestimated the number of boxes I had accumulated - well over my original estimate of 120 - and to get them all into the living room was a hell of a tight squeeze. I had to remove the suite, the television and dismantle the Christmas tree to get them all in! It took absolutely ages but when I surveyed my handiwork I must admit I was more than slightly pleased with myself!

I decorated the assembled boxes with some sprigs of holly and manoeuvred myself behind the wall of boxes to await Caroline's return.

When I heard her key in the door lock I could hardly contain my excitement - and as she entered the living room her face was a real picture! I tried to jump out from behind the boxes with a sprig of mistletoe in my hand but I must have fallen awkwardly - I have no recollection at all of what happened after that point. I regained consciousness in hospital, where I had apparently undergone a delicate operation to remove a jumbo bag of Salt'n'Vinegar from one orifice, and I also had a number of bumps and bruises that were consistent with a number of boxes having fallen on me with some force - though also consistent with the possibility of being clubbed repeatedly with a frozen turkey, oddly enough.

Anyway, all's well that ends well - doctors say I am making a fine recovery and I should be home for Hogmanay. I will then be able to give Caroline her very special Christmas gift - a box of Ready Salted loving wrapped and tied with ribbons and bows.
That's something to look forward to - better late than never, eh readers?

Deep and Crisps and Even

It's been a long time since my last post, but I can finally let you in on a secret I have been keeping for four months.

Back in August I was tipped off by a senior Met Office source that the weather this winter would be one of the worst on record. He warned of heavy snow, weeks of icy conditions, travel chaos and catastrophic food shortages. I was sworn to secrecy to avoid a national panic setting in, but warned to start stockpiling essential items.

Since then, I have worked discreetly to build up essential supplies, quietly ensuring that I have been able to gather all the produce I will need to help me survive this harshest of winters. Selfish, I know, but only the fittest survive ...

I now have over 120 boxes of Golden Wonder crisps safely stored in my garden shed, and while Christmas shoppers fight and scrap for the last chipolatas on the shelves I sit smugly warm and safe at home. No last minute nightmare at the shops for me!

As we speak, the Christmas Dinner menu is being prepared: Prawn Cocktail to start (naturally), a selection of prime meat-flavoured crisps to follow as the main course - beef, chicken or smokey bacon (and even tomato sauce or pickled onion for those awkward vegetarians), followed by a delicious cheese (and onion) board for dessert. Sumptuous, eh?

Caroline has been away to the supermarket trying to track down stuff for the Christmas dinner; she's been away for over three hours now and I hear news reports that the shops have never seen queues like these before. Imagine how delighted she'll be when she gets home to find out that I've got everything under control - she just can't imagine the lovely Christmas surprise she's coming home to, and I can hardly wait to tell her!

Merry Christmas readers!