Deep and Crisps and Even

It's been a long time since my last post, but I can finally let you in on a secret I have been keeping for four months.

Back in August I was tipped off by a senior Met Office source that the weather this winter would be one of the worst on record. He warned of heavy snow, weeks of icy conditions, travel chaos and catastrophic food shortages. I was sworn to secrecy to avoid a national panic setting in, but warned to start stockpiling essential items.

Since then, I have worked discreetly to build up essential supplies, quietly ensuring that I have been able to gather all the produce I will need to help me survive this harshest of winters. Selfish, I know, but only the fittest survive ...

I now have over 120 boxes of Golden Wonder crisps safely stored in my garden shed, and while Christmas shoppers fight and scrap for the last chipolatas on the shelves I sit smugly warm and safe at home. No last minute nightmare at the shops for me!

As we speak, the Christmas Dinner menu is being prepared: Prawn Cocktail to start (naturally), a selection of prime meat-flavoured crisps to follow as the main course - beef, chicken or smokey bacon (and even tomato sauce or pickled onion for those awkward vegetarians), followed by a delicious cheese (and onion) board for dessert. Sumptuous, eh?

Caroline has been away to the supermarket trying to track down stuff for the Christmas dinner; she's been away for over three hours now and I hear news reports that the shops have never seen queues like these before. Imagine how delighted she'll be when she gets home to find out that I've got everything under control - she just can't imagine the lovely Christmas surprise she's coming home to, and I can hardly wait to tell her!

Merry Christmas readers!