The Name Game

I wish I had a nickname - a really good nickname. A superhero nickname. All week we've been hearing and reading about 'The Hawk', who absconded from an open prison. I can't remember his real name, and that doesn't really matter - he's The Hawk.
Next time he appears in front of a judge, we'll hear: 'The Hawk, (or, on a point of law, will that be Mr. Hawk?) you have been convicted of a heinous crime ...'
Nicknames are beloved of the tabloid press, particularly gangsters. There's 'The Enforcer', 'The Iceman', 'Fatboy' ... try calling a West of Scotland boozer and asking for if there's a Fat Boy in the bar, and let me know how you get on.
Sport, too. There's Fergie, Coisty, Gazza, Mogga, Macca ... loads of (granted, fairly unimaginative) nicknames, but it's better than typing out names with more than five or six letters. All the best ones have nicknames. Other athletes too: remember 'Eddie the Eagle'? Conceded, that was taking the pish ...
Even the darts players have got nicknames, and some of them sound like mighty warriors: 'The Power' and 'The Viking', for example.
And our politicians, too. They were not always known as 'The Thieving B*stard Honourable Member for ....'. In less turbulent times there were The 'Chingford Skinhead', 'The Beast of Bolsover', 'Two Brains', 'Tarzan', the 'Welsh Windbag'. And today of course we have Gorbals Mick.
So I need a nickname too. But not just any old nickname - as you can imagine with a surname like Pickering, nicknames were not in short supply at school. I survived - emotionally scarred, but I survived.
I went for years without a nickname, and lived quite happily without one, but it's time for a change. Either a nickname or a tattoo - and at least you can change your nickname if you don't like it!
I do have a nickname. Hurtfully, my daughter Knutt refers to me as 'The Gimp' - and even more hurtfully everyone knows to whom she is referring - so I'm looking for something a bit more substantial than that. Those pumped-up American wrestlers seem to have stolen all the best names, which is irritating, so henceforth - unless I receive any other better suggestions - I shall be known as ... The Balloon. Sounds like a winner to me ...